God versus Satan

Job 1:6-12

(Here God has a voice like Marcellus Wallace in Pulp Fiction – powerful, cool, unruffled, able to laugh while still sounding incredibly serious. Satan has a voice like Quentin Tarantino’s character in the same film—annoying and whiney.)

Hey Lucifer, is that you? Where you been?
It’s been a little while since you were last seen
In my throne room up here in the heavenlies
In fact, I think that if my memory’s
Correct, the last time we saw you here,
You were running for your life, trembling with fear
Falling down through the heavens like a bolt of lightning
But I suppose to be fair, that I can be frightening
Especially towards those who go telling lies
To my beloved human beings—you here to apologize?
If so just say the word, and I’ll see what I can do
To atone for your sin, so that once again you
Can join the angels and take your place
To praise me for the glory of my grace!

With all due respect, don’t gimme that sh**
Some of us, we’re getting tired of it
I mean, why’s it you that gets all the praise?
All the «Blessing and honour to the Ancient of Days…»
What is it that makes you so special anyway?
And—whatever you do—please do not say
That you’re different because you’re uncreated
In my opinion that claim needs to be debated
I mean, in the Bible it says you need two or three
Witness before you accept anyone’s testimony
And your only witness is you, at least that’s how it looks to me
So c’mon ‘God’, please tell us what you answer’s going to be?

Haha, Satan – call me Lucifer – you’re tying yourself in knots
Try as you might you won’t succeed to trap me in a paradox
You want the other witnesses of my uncreated divinity?
Well that’s easier than you think—after all, we’re the Trinity!
Have you forgotten, Satan, that we’re Father, Spirit and Son?
So that’s three witnessing persons, though in essence we are One.
But let’s get to the point, which is that when I first made you
I designed you to delight in that which is most good and true
So what all of this means is that in spite of your addiction
To your own pride and greed, in fact there’s no real contradiction
Between my love for you and my command that you worship me—
I know because I made you, that’s the only way that you’ll find peace
And unspeakable joy, and every other thing that’s good
That’s why the law of love’s the only rule that’s needed in my neighbourhood
You want a concrete example? Consider my friend J
He loves me with all his heart, and worships me every day
And if you were to ask him, I think that he would say
He does this not because he must, but just because he may!

Uh, seriously God, you’re talking about Job?
Who swans around the land of Uz wearing a gold-hemmed robe?
He worships you out of love? Aw, that’s sweet—and real funny
I would have said he worships you because you give him money.
I know! Why not experiment! And see what Job will say
If you give me permission to take his wealth away!

Alright Satan – Lucifer – you got yourself a deal.
But I tell you now that you that you will find that my friend’s love is real.

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