how are you? i am feeling alive.
yesterday i was feeling quite bleurgh because of various things, including a sense of “that which i hate i do” and the general discouragement that goes with it. because me and hamish are praying for ciccu and for fusion and for the outpouring of the holy spirit on the body of christ in cambridge, and i felt very unable to live up to the things i want to see happen. saturday night i dreamt i was walking along some sort of flooded path. maybe a very low bridge? and everywhere, in the water, on the land. were cobras. fairly motionless. but nonetheless, cobras. “full of serpents is my mind, dear wife” is a misquote of macbeth.
anyway, sunday night i went to church and arrived slightly late, and found myself a seat as the singing had started. and sang with gusto, for it is easier to worship with music than with life. and then as the chords of the last song echoed through the building, there were some moments of reflection, and i felt like crying out “if we were to be silent, the rocks they would cry out! for in the days when jesus walked on earth, the pharisees were told that god is able from the stones to raise up children of abraham. and now our hearts of stone have been raised up in worship to you! turn us from rubble into building blocks! make our mustard-seed-sized pebbles of faith into an unstoppable avalanche.” but i just kneeled and prayed quietly. and “what other nation is so great as to have their gods near them the way the lord our god is near to us whenever we pray to him”.
a few days ago, me and hamish were sitting in his room considering various things that might be the cause of imperfections within ciccu (because lest we forget, ciccu does lots of good stuff, always with good intentions and great zeal for the word) and wondered whether it might be a lack of belief in the holy spirit. and then wondered why we have had so little experience of the holy spirit. and with a little faith and a lot of uncertainty laid hands on each other and prayed. because jesus said “you will do greater things than i have done”, and we haven’t. but that evening there were no tongues of fire, there were no prophecies in previously unknown languages. maybe there was nothing. so we are praying three mornings a week.
but in church! i felt like something happened. when the holy spirit comes on me it is with tears not with tongues. and then after the service, they usually have a bit where they share ‘pictures’ that people have had (like a parable without a story, an image that some-one has seen on their way to church or suddenly thought of that they thought might be relevant to someone) which always leave me unmoved. but yesterday it was psalm 139 “where can i go from your spirit? you hem me in on either side. you know my every thought. every one of my days was ordained for me before i was even born. i praise you for i am fearfully and wonderfully made”. ’tis a nice psalm.
and today was good. i went to homerton with katie to promote ballstuff. and people at homerton are mostly really nice. and some of them seemed keen to come – i am constantly stunned when people actually respond to your attempts to sell them something. and with katie on the bus there and back i talked of many things of interest, including the joys of travelling the world, foreign literature as seen through the eyes of the a level set text, and the adaptation of christianity to foreign cultures.
anyway. i must needs go to sleep.
and i got my bike fixed!